So this is where I am right now. I never thought I would messed things up with my girlfriend but it happen. We did not look ahead in what we were doing and understanding our feelings. I guess it is tough to know your feelings when you are on drugs all the time. We both were. The other thing is I know her, I mean know her from every thought she comes up with to how she acts. It is scary I know her so well I know the things that have happen in the last year were not all her fault nor mine. She came from a bad place that she got away from moving up here with me. We brought out the old person inside her that she thought she had control over.

That is one reason why I can not just let go. Some of the things she did she could not see. I had to point it out to her. She is young and was on drugs and me too but things she learned from people in her life are the only things she knew to do when in this type of situation. The actions she learned were all selfish actions. This last year I could write a couple books just from the things that have happen to us. The things we did not think about before we got into them. I was thick headed and had christian beliefs instill in me. Those beliefs may me very mean at times and judgmental. When I got stressed out I closed up everything from my feeling to how I talked to her to how I treated her.

So mid July she read a narcassism book to me aloud in bed. I woke up! I mean I saw her and I can not put into words how beautiful she is. My life has change since than. I am rediscovering  myself.and my value system the world and everything else. I could not sleep that week. I had so much energy so much life so much appreciation for the little things. Things will never be the same I will not live in a cave again. So she did that for me and I knew she was lost like me in this world. The material things and cultural scene in Philly got her. The Doctor knew what he was doing and she fell for it. We did a lot of things we would have never done to each other if not for the drugs, this world and the people and their ego's and fears.

This was something we took on and it got the best of us. This world can take you away if you do not look at things for what they are. The truth of it all. The truth does not lie. Everything else is fear and what is fear? Something we are afraid to face in ourself. There is no fear in reality only the truth. I see the fears we had faced this year and it makes it easier for me to understand us and what happen. I can get past all this with her because of that or at least I hope that is it because if it is my ego talking than I have a problem to work on there. Being me is so hard to know who me is sometimes but I know I will have to face all my fears to be me and to live the way I want to live. She can not do that for me only I can.

I am hoping I can stay on the path this time. The path of truth because it will set you free. It will be a long road ahead and I have no idea where but after this year I will look, listen, learn and hopefully use the information of the people before me to make the true decisions I need to make for myself.